Saturday, July 12, 2008

My Amy Vices

See what I did there with the title? It's like Miami, but it is My Amy. Wow, I am on a roll already. Also, I am on some pain killers. I had a neck injury while bowling (shut up, I know I should be in a bubble) so now I am flying high, although I do not endorse the use of pain killers for anything but pain killing so don't blame me for whatever vices you have.

Speaking of which...I love Diet Coke. I know this is a shocker because I come from such a puritanical family, where we are not allowed to have bodily functions, let alone a habit, innocuous or otherwise. Some of you loyal readers out there (all three of you) know that I have also claimed a love of chocolate, which is pretty much a given since I have ovaries, so I don't think that counts as a personal vice, but Diet Coke is different. If I could buy it in barrels off the black market I would. I used to have a dealer (literally, Charlie's brother was a Coke delivery guy for a while and would pull up in his huge Coke truck and bring me crates of it for a small fee, it was like that scene in The Music Man where they are all singing about the excitement of the Wells Fargo Wagon, except that I knew what was in the truck and that it was for me, and I couldn't really find anything that rhymed with coke truck that had the right rhythm.)

I realized my habit may be getting out of control when I was in a grouchy mood yesterday and Mia stared at me for a minute and said "Do you need a diet coke mom? Daddy will go get you one." I stared in amazement and confusion. Proud that my little girl was so empathetic and intuitive, ashamed that she was aware of my substance abuse problem, and irritated that she was stalling because she didn't want to go to bed. Am I a bad mother who needs diet coke rehab? I had these same feelings last week when Mia told me that her favorite song was Shorty Got Low by Flo Rida after I realized she sang most of the chorus to me in the car. (If my local DCFS representative happens to read this please don't take my child away, she also is really good at eating vegetables and takes baths on a regular basis, I don't just sit around drinking diet coke and blarring rap music all day while she is wandering around the neighborhood on her own).

So, there you go. I have my vices and I am doing my best to not let them interfere with my daily functioning. Unless Mom is reading this, then I am just kidding. I never ever drink anything besides water and sugar free juice while reading the scriptures and thinking about oatmeal.

1 comment:

Kirkrocks said...

Maybe that's why I never did well in any organized religion - I didn't realize you were supposed to be thinking about oatmeal while studying scriptures. Here I was, searching for meaning and metaphor and the answer was as simple as boiled oats! I am reborn!

Seriously, though... There are plenty of things that rhyme with coke truck: Smoked duck, soaked buck, broke luck - I could go on forever. My faves are "evoke muck" and a few more profane ones I won't share.

Should I mention that my sister's wife works for DCFS? (although I don't think they actually call it that here - I know she takes people's kids away, though) But not to worry - you sound like a very good mom; letting Mia have a turn on the treadmill (that probably has a sticker on it saying not to allow children on or near it), letting her help you make cookies and trusting her to use the big powerful mixer on her own (so what if it warranted a repair? Trust is a good thing...) and letting her be the one who samples your gourmet confections containing less than 1/6th the original recipe. I say the world needs more mothers like you, Amy Hanosek!