Thursday, November 20, 2008

RIP selfish Amy

Yesterday, disaster struck. My eyelash curler broke. Because of my monumental vanity this is akin to some sort of civilization ending tragedy. Ok, not really, it's not like I notified FEMA. I'm exaggerating for dramatic effect. Sheesh.

I am a self proclaimed product junky. I can spend hours and hours perusing all the magical potions and creams that are suppose to make me pretty. The only reason I am not bankrupt from this is because my nearest Sephora store is in Las Vegas. When I was single and could spend my money as selfishly as I wanted, I could easily spend 20bucks on a new eyelash curler without even thinking about it. But now I have a problem because my eyelashes don't rank very high on the family finances priority list. So, instead of actually buying the fancy shmancy one I have been partial to in the past I gritted my teeth and bough one from Walmart. My eyelashes survived and all is well in the world again.

Now I am making a mental list of the little luxuries I have bid adieu to over the years in the name of financial security. The monthly facials that once seemed mandatory are but a faint memory, the afternoons spent getting my nails buffed an polished are a distant dream. A few of the items on my list came as as a shock. I realized I have only bought 3 new dresses in the past six years. (This wasn't a conscious sacrifice, it's just too much work to go shopping and try stuff on now, plus it is so much more fun to buy Mia's dresses, they have ruffles and stuff). And purses...oh, how I loved to buy a new purse for no reason at all. Now when I start eyeing them Charlie rolls his eyes and ever so gently reminds me that I have a closet full of them in every shape, size, and color,that I never use (he's a killjoy but he is right...dang it.)

New bored housewife Amy now has new luxuries that are vital to existence. Yesterday I bought a case of chicken stock. I was giddy all the way home with my cache of chicken stock. I am rich in broth. And I am depressed that this makes me so happy. OH! and you should have seen me on the verge of joyful tears when I found that Charlie had bought my five cases of Diet Coke. I think I need a small vacation from being so responsible. Perhaps a quick jaunt to my old neighborhood for a vanilla steamer and a crepe with Jilaine will restore my sense of self. Call me, Jilaine and we'll set it up.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Things that freak me out

Now, most of you know that I am not easily fazed. Any sort of medical trauma of blood spurting merely causes a raised eyebrow. The threat of impending doom by various terrorists? It's hard to take personally so I've just accepted the fact that it may happen, and I can't stop it so why worry. But there are some things that just shouldn't be allowed. And here is my list of them.

1. Clowns. They are the embodiment of evil and doom. Their creepy exaggerated smiles are a front to hide the dark and insidious soulless creatures that they really are.

2. The power of Oprah. Why does everyone listen to her? I don't understand why she gets to decide what everyone buys, eats, thinks, and worships. The power she wields sends shivers down my spine.

3. Christopher Walkin. if you need a reason search for the Weapon of Choice video on youtube.

4. Seafood. I don't understand the appeal of eating sea creatures that resemble grotesque insects on steroids? Why is it ok to eat a lobster but not a scorpion? THEY ARE THE SAME THING.

5. Drunk naked guys. I was attacked by one once while working in the ER, but that is a story for another post.

6. Those housewives who drive minivans with little vinyl pictures of their entire family,sometimes including their dog, on their back window. What is the point of this? We know you have a large family, hence the minivan. Why the need to publicize the number and age of your children? if the dog dies do you remove his picture and replace it with whatever your replacement pet is? Sitting behind these cars at traffic lights gives me a lot of stress, because I don't understand it, so I naturally fear it.

7. Carrot Top. Why is he allowed?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Misty Water Colored Memories

For those of you who don't know, my mother is battling cancer. I am not saying this to depress anyone or garner sympathy points, but I want to explain why yesterday was spent cleaning out my parents storage room. It was dirty and gross and a chore I avoided like the plague when I actually lived in my parents home. But, as my mom has been stressed out about the state of her storage room for the past few months and was going to be at the hospital for various procedures most of the day my brilliant sister in law made the suggestion that we actually take action and clean it out instead of sitting around worrying about her for a change.

So, armed with a box full of trash bags I sat in my car, parked around the corner from their home waiting for my parents to leave their house. A few minutes later I saw their front door open and shouted at Mia to duck (she thought we were pretending to be spies so she thought this was awesome.) A couple minutes after their car pulled away I went in and raided their fridge while waiting for Russ and Amy to show up, (the prospect of being covered in dust and cobwebs all day gave me a hankerin' for doritos, what can I say) When they showed up we quickly went to work.

After a few minutes I remembered that Russ is a big cry baby when it comes to throwing things away (The umbrella stroller that only has one wheel that mom used when I was a baby!!! We can't throw that away!) So I put him and my brother David on brute duty and they carried huge boxes and bags outside to Russ's truck to be taken to the dump. Amy (my brilliant sister in law) got stuck going through old photos because I am not patient enough for that, she also was keeping an eye on the little girls so that none of them would wander into the cleaning zone and get the Hanta Virus from all the evidence of rodent life.

After about an hour we invented a game of seeing which one of us children had kept the most things at mom's house over the years. Heidi won, she even had an old laundry basket full of dirty clothes thrown in there, along with about 40 boxes of letters to and from her while in Ireland on her mission. Russ came in a close second with folders full of incompleted assignments from high school and a shoe box full of self addressed stamped enevelopes that people gave him as he was leaving on his mission to France that he was supposed to use to mail all his friends letters. I however, lost by an embarrassing margin when all I could find of mine was my wedding bouquet and a mix tape given to me by a friend in fifth grade. (I lost the arguement that the gallon jug of water in the food storage labeled from the year of my birth should count.)

So all in all, it was a day of discovery. I discovered that either I was my parents most considerate child and took all my junk with me when I moved so that it wouldn't litter their house, or that they threw all my stuff away the minute my car drove out of their driveway because they really don't like me that much. And I discovered that my dad has an unhealthy amount of books that have to do with healthy eating. Seriously, I didn't know there were that many in existence. Also, Groovy Kind Of Love by Phil Collins was popular when I was in fifth grade.